is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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