So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
