Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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