I feel like abortions should bother me more
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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