I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
