Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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