everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
