Apparently you make a good broom.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
