Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
