I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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