We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you didnt know i had herpes?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize