Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just found a bag of teeth...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
