he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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