look no pants
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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