am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
