I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're like the curious george of whores
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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