apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
