I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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