I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
