I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
