I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
