you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
