the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
