Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Boobs speak an international language.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
