when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
