party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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