sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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