Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
