She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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