I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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