I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize