textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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