Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
