Christians are straight up FREAKS
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
