Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
