What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
