the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
