god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
operation harelip BJ is a go
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
