apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
