After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
