Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize