I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
