Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
