I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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