respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
