Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
