The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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