Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
