im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
