Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
