I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
