This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
