Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I don't think brook has ever known best
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When did angry sex become our thing?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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