I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My ATM looks so different sober.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My bed smells like the plague
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
