Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
