i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
