thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
