I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
