I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
