my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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