hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
