I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
