I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
