I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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