Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
