When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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