textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
