Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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