my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
