I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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