I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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