well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
