You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize