I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
