YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
