It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
