I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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