Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
