I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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