the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
